The Wisdom Within: How to Connect With Your Emotions and Listen to Your Body
After taking a break from blogs I’m back and would love to begin the year sharing more about the technique Focusing. In my first video I shared how this technique was the body’s natural way to connect and heal. I later shared the steps to doing it on your own. Now I’d like to take it a step further and help you connect deeper with that part of yourself that maybe you’ve been avoiding, not wanting to look at, afraid of, or just not feeling it at all.
Whether you are struggling with the effects of trauma, stress, ADHD, or just the challenges of life, we’ve all had moments where we don’t want to look at our emotions and how we are feeling. It can be scary to do it alone and face what we’ve been avoiding for so long.
For some people, they feel intensely and get overwhelmed by their emotions, where they are merged with their emotions and cannot separate from the feelings. In Focusing, we call this a close process. Others don’t feel their emotions, maybe they are disconnected or avoid feeling, this is called a distant process. In Focusing there is no right or wrong, it allows you to be aware of whatever is there without trying to change it, judge it, or wishing it away. Often, those parts that are too intense or too afraid to show themselves really just need your attention. It’s when we sit quietly with those parts, like a good friend would, just listening, that true acceptance, change and transformation occur.
We all have judgments – it’s part of being human. There are people who find way to discern to lessen the judgements that automatically come up through techniques like mindfulness. Then there are people, including me, who still find it challenging to create that separation.
When we feel an emotion and judge it, want to change it, or want it to be different, in focusing we call this, the feeling about the feeling. Going through the four step focusing process allows you to go even deeper to understanding what this emotion is trying to tell you.
What Our Emotions Are Telling Us
Let’s begin first by looking at the difference between emotions, feelings and thoughts. In focusing we use the term felt sense that encompasses the sensations, thoughts, feelings that may come up around a particular topic or just what’s there in the moment. The term body in focusing references the whole body, as mentioned, all aspects of being human (sensations, thoughts, feelings, energy, inner knowing).
Emotions are the energy and the sensations we feel in our body. It could be anything from a tension in the chest, or a tingling in your belly.
Feelings are the interpretation of those sensations. So, that tension in the chest could be anger for you.
Thoughts and stories are what happens after we name the emotion. Often we get into thinking, analyzing and stories about the situation as an attempt to understand these felt senses.
When I work with people, I encourage them to notice what is going on in their body and to use that information to see what they need in the moment. The more you can make this a habit, the less likely things will get out of hand. If you see that you need something as simple as water, a stretch or a moment to acknowledge something inside of you that doesn’t quite feel right, the more likely you are to be in a regulated, present state. The more you can check in with your body and the felt sense you are experiencing in the moment, the more you can intercept old patterns and more importantly, prevent things from going to extremes.
Review of the Four Steps
There are many forms of focusing and the approach that I learned is called relational focusing. Here you learn to be with parts of yourself without trying to change them and literally build a relationship with them. It can be done alone or with a partner. Keep in mind these parts are not fixed and can change, evolve and transform into something completely different. For example, there could be a part of you that is afraid of doing an exam. Once connecting with that part, you may discover that it is the little child inside of you that is afraid to fail. After giving this part attention and being with it without trying to change it, it could transform into the strong adult that you are, confident and not afraid to make mistakes. That happens because during the process you give attention to that part and see what it needs without any pressure.
Mind you, this is a very simplified explanation for something that when experienced, is quite profound and words come short of describing it.
It’s important to remember that this process continues even after you have finished. The body continues to process and shift outside of the focusing practice.
The feeling about the feeling : avoiding feeling
Now that we covered the bases here, it is time to look at how we judge our feelings and want things to change. When this happens, we can go through a process to better understand what this part of us is not wanting. The red flag to know this is happening is that a part of you has a negative feeling about something, ie. fear, dislike, impatient, frustrated. There is something inside of you judging and this means that there is something underneath.
The first thing is to say something like:
- I’m sensing something in me that __________(feels) AND I’m sensing something in me that _______(feels) about that. And both are there.
- I’m going to acknowledge each one.
- Perhaps I can sense which one wants my attention/company first.
From there you want to go through these four steps. Note that it can skip one or two and that’s fine. Here you are looking at what this part of you is not not wanting to :
- Have happen again
- Go through
- Experience
- Feel
Here is an option to walk through those four steps by saying to yourself:
- I’m inviting it to let me know what it’s not wanting:
- to have happen again…
- me to have to go through…
- me to experience…
- to have to feel…
On the flip side, you can also do the same process but seeing what this part is wanting to:
- Have happen again
- Go through
- Experience
- Feel
Similar to the not wanting process, you can say the following.
- I’m inviting it to let me know what it’s wanting:
- wanting
- to have happen
- me to be able to experience
- me to be able to feel in my body
This process can be very insightful and help you release judgements, fears and emotional blocks that keep you stuck in the past. I believe that there is no one way to be, to approach life challenges, or how to heal. For me, it’s about balancing connecting with the whole body and being aware of our thoughts, beliefs, actions and lifestyle. Having multiple options when things get tough allows you to pick just the right tool or strategy that makes the most sense in that moment. If you are looking to develop a deeper relationship with yourself, your emotions, and your inner knowing I highly recommend trying the Focusing technique, as it’s the body’s natural way to heal.