No matter how much we learn, both personally and professionally, having hard conversations is a difficult, yet important, part of life. The more you can embrace the unknown and accept that not everyone is open to changing and growing, you will have more peace and balance in your life. And of course, it’s easier said than done. Maybe you love your job but there is that one person you have to interact with on a daily basis that makes things more challenging than they need to be.
A first step you can take is getting clear on what’s important to you in your professional and personal relationships. There will be some overlapping, however, it’s good to have some separation. Personal relationships have a deeper sense of intimacy, vulnerability and honesty that is not commonly found in the workplace. This is for good reason. You are there to focus on creating something in your role not to bring all of your personal baggage with you.
Taking time outside of work to notice triggers and areas for growth is ideal, then going back to work and finding new ways to approach the situation without divulging your past trauma’s or very personal life challenges. We are in a culture of oversharing and the lines have gotten too blurred. People argue with a partner in public while on the phone, sharing personal details that other people don’t need to know. There is a time and a place for everything and we must consider the actual physical places to be having certain types of conversations.
The Difference between Being Professional and Too Personal
Before we get into how to figure out what to say, when and how. It’s important to clearly define what it means to be professional. We’re in a culture where things have swung to another extreme of being too casual whereas before things were too uptight and closed. Consider the following as a framework of what being professional looks like for you. Remember how you show up and carry yourself is how people will treat you. Here are some of my examples:
- Being on time for work
- Dressing appropriately
- Considering others
- Clear communication
- Good organizational and planning skills
- Listening
- Following through and asking for guidance when needed
When we are in professional situations it’s important to remember why we are there. This will help you define what is appropriate to share around a particular situation.
Personal relationships on the other hand give us the deeper connection that humans need. These relationships also allow us to grow and feel comforted when things get rough. It’s a more appropriate place to share those wounds or vulnerable feelings you may have, that is, when it’s with someone you trust. A healthy relationship may look like:
- Non-judgemental
- Clear, honest communication
- Listening
- Being understanding
- Accountability
- Good intention, openness
- Awareness of your intentions and actions
When facing difficult dynamics in personal or professional relationships, it’s imperative to know what role you are playing, because that’s the one area you have control over. What you say, how you say it, your energy and how you approach the situation will have a huge impact on how the other person responds.
Setting Boundaries Both Personally and Professionally
Boundaries allow us to draw a line with what we are willing to accept and not accept. It’s also how we teach others the way we need to be treated. Consider the following for a framework to see what that looks like for you.
- Limits or space between you and other people
- A clear place where you begin and the other person ends
- What you are willing and not willing to accept
- Help you establish your identity and communicate clearly what you are and are not responsible for
- Creates a sense of autonomy
What Good Boundaries Look Like
You’ll know right away if someone is respecting your boundaries because you can be yourself without having to put up a guard. This may look slightly different in situations where another person may be respecting your boundaries but they still are making things more difficult than they need to be. Unfortunately in these situations it looks like sharing a lot less and keeping things simple and clear.
Here are some ways that you know there are healthy boundaries in a relationship:
- To feel safe, respected, heard, validated, appreciated, valued
- To have your privacy
- Your “no” is respected
- To have your needs met
- Absence of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse
Signs that there aren’t healthy boundaries:
- Your needs come last
- Co-dependent dynamics
- No limits or a sense of chaos
- Lack of self-care
- Lack of reciprocality
How to set boundaries
When things are not going smoothly and you are not being heard or respected, consider the following to help you stay connected to yourself. It will get easier over time. Remember, that once someone hasn’t been respecting you for awhile jumping in and making big changes will create big backlash. It’s best to begin with creating tiny boundaries to slowly shift things. In newer situations be clear on what your needs are and set those boundaries right away.
- Honest, firm and clear
- Note clear observable behaviors
- Push back – restate what you need, don’t get into a spiral argument
- Decide what you are willing to let go of and where you can lower your expectations
- Only say what you need to, don’t explain, say just enough that you own your part but you don’t have to get into the weeds about why
Being able to speak up and from an honest place can be hard when we feel unsafe and disrespected. Remember, if you don’t, it will only get worse. Take tiny steps and pick one small area where you can say what you need, and slowly you will feel safe to speak your truth no matter how the other person responds.
A framework For Healthy Communication
Non-violent communication is a great framework to help you communicate what you are noticing, how it affects you and what you need. This framework looks slightly different in professional situations. See the examples below to get an idea of how you can use this next time you run into a situation and don’t want to act from a place of reaction.
Basic Framework for personal situations:
I noticed…(keep it factual and focused on the behaviour)
I felt…(how did this make you feel without blaming)
I need..(make a request to begin the process of resolving the situation)
Professional Situation:
I notice/yesterday/lately
It’s really important to me…./I work best…/
I’m wondering if we could…
Remember as always this is a process and that it’s important to consider the first phase of change is exploration and testing things out. See what works for you and keep practicing until you get in a flow of speaking your truth.
